Monday, January 31, 2011
Ready
There is too much to think of. To many lies and truths to sort through. The month is closing and a new one beginning.... I'm not sure if this one will be any different. I need to just keep moving. Dealing with everything and everyone in small doses. There are more people in question than I had originally thought. I don't like the feeling of doubt in others and myself. Plain and simple, its shitty. I'll deal. I've dealt with more significant things in my life.
I'm not ready. I don't know when I will be. I get to decide when that is. No one else. I'll be ready when I'm ready, got it?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
seven
"So is that what you call a getaway? Tell me what you got away with cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish. I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kid"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
possibility
Like I've said before, "most of the time the music I am listening to will say more about how I'm feeling than I'll ever be able to."
Since for the most part I don't know what to say and the other part I can't say.... I'll turn to music to drown out the thoughts in my head and replace them with melodies and lyrics the resonate with me
.
Tell me when you see me falling, there's a possibility it wouldn't show.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Finished
One more challenge.....
Well, that is that. No more questions, no more knots in my stomach (kind of), no more worrying about everything. This will be a relief....someday.
This is what I wanted.... isn't it?
I've learned a lot. Things about myself, about trust, about lies and deception, about choosing battles. But mostly I learned about people. Some people no matter what is going on still try and to the right thing. While others... well lets just they are lost and couldn't do the right thing if it jumped up and bit them in the ass. They in a way are selfish, not taking into consideration they way anyone else feels, but even more so they are pretenders.
At least now there is no more pretending to be something you are not.
Ultimately, I am still deeply hurt by all of this and there is nothing I can do about it.
One saving grace, I have someone to turn to, someone who knows how I am feeling. He gets it. And I have to say, it is nice getting to know someone new after all of this. It reminds me that there really are good, honest, trustworthy people in the world, even after they've been damaged.
Well, that is that. No more questions, no more knots in my stomach (kind of), no more worrying about everything. This will be a relief....someday.
This is what I wanted.... isn't it?
I've learned a lot. Things about myself, about trust, about lies and deception, about choosing battles. But mostly I learned about people. Some people no matter what is going on still try and to the right thing. While others... well lets just they are lost and couldn't do the right thing if it jumped up and bit them in the ass. They in a way are selfish, not taking into consideration they way anyone else feels, but even more so they are pretenders.
At least now there is no more pretending to be something you are not.
Ultimately, I am still deeply hurt by all of this and there is nothing I can do about it.
One saving grace, I have someone to turn to, someone who knows how I am feeling. He gets it. And I have to say, it is nice getting to know someone new after all of this. It reminds me that there really are good, honest, trustworthy people in the world, even after they've been damaged.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Challenges
Woo, first successful weekend back at Gwynedd! Spent lots of time with the suites catching up and actin a fool (: Organized my stuff for my classes and already completed 2 assignments! Golly gee damn. Had a wonderful visit from my other halves... Does that make each of them a quarter? hmmff, i'm stumped. Anyway, we had a great time and returned back to the dorms with a full house as always! I love love love my friends.
Ahhh, it had only been three days and I felt like I was missing an arm! I hate functioning without Leen and Vini. It's hard to believe that the three of us became even closer than we were before, but we did! This break was the best thing I could have asked for (minus the surplus of speed bumps). I don't even really care about them, all I needed was new mindset."Shit happens," everyone experiences terrible circumstances at some point in their life. Most of the time you can't change it so you must accept it and look at it as a challenge. Well, with the help of my TWO best friends I forced myself to deal with some pretty heavy challenges. I was reminded of how important it is to rely on people but not depend on them. Becoming dependant on someone is what I have been afraid of. Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind. Haha, how long have I been trying to do that now? Ugh, I guess its time to start!!!!
"But I was already a step ahead: I didn't trust anyone.
Not for directions, not for rides, not for advice either.
Sure, it sucked to be lost, but I long ago realized that I
preferred it to depending on anyone else to get me where
I needed to go. That was the thing about being alone, in theory
or in principle. Whatever happened - good, bad, or anywhere
in between - it was always, if nothing else, your own."
On a crazy wicked awesome note....
1. I have worked out and stuck to my diet for three weeks now!! yayyy for me!! Dancing will begin again shortly and Zumba every week :)
2. It is officially 2 month from today until my birthday <3
Ahhh, it had only been three days and I felt like I was missing an arm! I hate functioning without Leen and Vini. It's hard to believe that the three of us became even closer than we were before, but we did! This break was the best thing I could have asked for (minus the surplus of speed bumps). I don't even really care about them, all I needed was new mindset."Shit happens," everyone experiences terrible circumstances at some point in their life. Most of the time you can't change it so you must accept it and look at it as a challenge. Well, with the help of my TWO best friends I forced myself to deal with some pretty heavy challenges. I was reminded of how important it is to rely on people but not depend on them. Becoming dependant on someone is what I have been afraid of. Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind. Haha, how long have I been trying to do that now? Ugh, I guess its time to start!!!!
"But I was already a step ahead: I didn't trust anyone.
Not for directions, not for rides, not for advice either.
Sure, it sucked to be lost, but I long ago realized that I
preferred it to depending on anyone else to get me where
I needed to go. That was the thing about being alone, in theory
or in principle. Whatever happened - good, bad, or anywhere
in between - it was always, if nothing else, your own."
On a crazy wicked awesome note....
1. I have worked out and stuck to my diet for three weeks now!! yayyy for me!! Dancing will begin again shortly and Zumba every week :)
2. It is officially 2 month from today until my birthday <3
Friday, January 7, 2011
Regret
I'm not really big on regret but I regret this. The choice to allow someone poisonous into my life was a terrible decision. Who was I kidding? I was not ready for the snap back to reality this brought.
As I ran out of the house I couldn't fight off the dejavu. I've been here before. A frightened, broken, little girl running from the monster in his eyes.
He has always been a lost cause, slipping deeper and deeper into the monster like state. My best friend asked me why the other day. It was the first time someone ever asked me why. "Why did you stay with him?" It is hard to understand and even harder to explain. I wasn't staying with the monster. I stayed with the boy the monster was taking over. For you see, they were two very different people in a power struggle. Today, it looks like the monster has finally won. The boy didn't put up enough of a fight because if he did... he could have been the winner.
Although my faith in people has been shattered. I will go on living my life. I will continue to change myself for the better. My hope is that I restore someone else's shattered faith.
I will never look back to this momentary lapse of judgement.
As I ran out of the house I couldn't fight off the dejavu. I've been here before. A frightened, broken, little girl running from the monster in his eyes.
He has always been a lost cause, slipping deeper and deeper into the monster like state. My best friend asked me why the other day. It was the first time someone ever asked me why. "Why did you stay with him?" It is hard to understand and even harder to explain. I wasn't staying with the monster. I stayed with the boy the monster was taking over. For you see, they were two very different people in a power struggle. Today, it looks like the monster has finally won. The boy didn't put up enough of a fight because if he did... he could have been the winner.
Although my faith in people has been shattered. I will go on living my life. I will continue to change myself for the better. My hope is that I restore someone else's shattered faith.
I will never look back to this momentary lapse of judgement.
Breathe
And most of the time the music I am listening to will say more about how I'm feeling than I'll ever be able to.
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
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