Blackbird

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly into the light of the dark black night."

 
It is time. Time to let go. I can't go back again. It is time to move on.
I want to be strong. I want to be whole. I want to be free.

triumph

Phewwwww. I'm really glad all of that is off my chest. It has really been a terrible thing to keep locked inside. Can you imagine internally arguing with yourself everyday? Sometimes every moment of everyday? It really does take a toll on one's sanity. There were times that I considered giving up, just throwing in the towel, waving the white flag, and turning my back on the whole thing. I could never bring myself to do it. I just stored everything away until the right time.

It's all on the table now and I am finally at peace. Its like the rock that has been sitting in my stomach for months is gone, just miraculously disappeared. Although there are some wounds left behind they too will heal... in time... with appropriate measures. Everything is going to be okay. Nothing has to change :)

Not only am I stronger now but I am wiser, too. I didn't let it get the best of me... I won. I will keep fighting and I will keep winning. For once, I don't think anything can stop it now.



...to another (TRIUMPHANT) day down.

contractions

don't. can't. won't.

but will.


such small words. so powerful when mixed with others.


I'm surprised by lots of things everyday.
some more than others. some I wish were surprising but aren't.



I'm amazed by things everyday. some good... the others maybe not so much


its hard to understand things that are happening. I will continue to try and justify. I forget who I'm convincing.


lost in so many thoughts that are too deep to sift through now. They will be left behind in a pile while I enjoy the days at home. How I wish they were happier. Even things here are breaking at the edges. I shall ignore them too.

As sad as it may be, at least the trouble of growing up will never find her. She has peace on her side.... that's the only thing we could hope for now.

precedent

pit in the stomach. nauseated. thoughts flying around.



according to precedent this is the kind of feeling you don't ignore.



it's all falling a part.


I hope I make it out of this one.



I hope we all do.




praying for the first time in a while

forward

Is it you? or is it me?
how did everything become such a travesty?

push forward. just keep moving forward. full speed ahead.
don't look back... I'm scared the ghosts are chasing me.
i just want to run to the past. when things made sense.
this dark mist is hanging so low I can't see where I'm going
I'm testing the waters. trying it all out. please, help me.

Enough

I've really had enough of this rut.




Why can't I snap out of it?



It's getting even more frustrating as people make comments like "you're really off today" or "wow, you're not on the ball" or my personal favorite "i haven't seen you smile in a while"



WOAH PEOPLE. I'm sorry I'm not smiling. you know even the most seemingly happy people get sick of putting on a front. even the most responsible, reliable individuals trip up a little. nd yes I'm really off today... do you think your comment is making that any better?



what is wrong with people these days?
... maybe it's not them.
is it really just me?


I wanna call out for help. Just scream at the top of my lungs FIX ME!!!!
but why should I expect people to fix my problems?
this is the one thing I said I wanted to do for myself


for such a long time I had relied on someone else to make everything better. When that was gone I became determined to take care of myself. I've been through some hard times since then and I've made it through them. But i haven't been through anything like this. i don't want anyone to become my crutch. I don't want to "need" someone again. I'll just have to bite my tongue hopefully they won't see right through me.


can I really do it on my own? or am I just damning myself?

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold, everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under this ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So alone, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.
I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere





a wonderful period of up to be followed with a crash and burn...... will this ever end? i'm getting impatient.
i'm trying... i really am... i think.










to another day down