Fleeting moments of happiness are occuring more often.
There is hope.
I am still just going through the motions. Waiting to snap out of this zombie like state.
Maybe i'll stay here a little longer. Sometimes its good to be numb.
Maybe when I wake up it'll all be gone. That would be nice.
Maybe I'll never snap out of it. I guess I couldn't complain about it too much.
I'm just rolling with the punches. Every blow knocking the wind out of me. Who knows maybe I'll come out of this swinging. I know one thing I won't go down without a fight. But for now... I just don't have the energy.
At least for a little while I get to pretend to be someone else. A pretty lady who has all of her stuff together, someone who is never afraid to be herself. It'll be nice to feel like a princess... even if its a few nights.
"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell.
And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand...
I want so much more than they've got planned."
...to another day down
Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
farther
as I slip farther under... the less concerned I am of where I will end up.
I just keep pushing through, no longer concerned of which end is up.
I'll find my way out eventually...... or will I?
I just keep pushing through, no longer concerned of which end is up.
I'll find my way out eventually...... or will I?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
words
What do you do when words can not express your emotions?
Is there anything that can be done to shake me out of this mood?
The self doubt. The insecurity. The loneliness. The feeling that I'm on the wrong path.
The sadness that overwhelms from no where.
the depression has become debilitating.
yes. there is a smile. look beyond it.
I'm empty inside. I don't know why.
Is there anything that can be done to shake me out of this mood?
The self doubt. The insecurity. The loneliness. The feeling that I'm on the wrong path.
The sadness that overwhelms from no where.
the depression has become debilitating.
yes. there is a smile. look beyond it.
I'm empty inside. I don't know why.
Friday, October 1, 2010
concept
Here's a new concept
It starts when we are tiny, chubby, and pink in the cheeks and continues through the years when we are full grown, smarter, and effected by the world around us. We start off believing in myths like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause (oh, the good old days) to debating concepts such as love and eternity. How is it that an individual can go from being happy and innocent to be pessimistic and full of doubt? Has anyone considered the thought that maybe it isn't our fault? Think back to the time when you believed in Santa Clause... fast forward to when you no longer believed. You realize that all this time you've been deceived, clearly back then it wasn't such a travesty but wait there is a bigger picture. Now, think back to the fairy tales you were told. The prince and the princess who live happily ever after. Fast forward one more time to the first heart break, the point when you finally conclude that fairy tales are simply make believe. What effect has this had? Well, lets think about it for a second. Starting at a very early age we have been taught that deception is everywhere. We have also subconsciously learned that concepts like these don't hold water. Apply all of this information to something more relevant. Love for instance. There are people everywhere who believe in the "one true love" idea. Why? Because it gives them hope, something to look forward to, something to get excited about/wait for. Why not? For one, the answer to 'why' could also be used to answer 'why do children believe in Santa Clause', go figure. But more importantly hasn't precedent showed us that belief in concepts and fairy tales ends up in disappointment and heart break. Then throw in all of the other influences from the surrounding environment, the divorce rate for instance, and we have just turned the happy innocent individual into a pessimist filled with doubt. No wonder people are afraid of concept of love. But how are you suppose to get past it? We've been taught to learn from our own experiences. So what do you do when your experiences have taught you to turn in the opposite direction?
Running away is the way that I've made it out alive. When will I know when to stop running? There is no finish line. So, then what am I running from... or to? Yes, it has worked before, but what do I have to be afraid of? Everything, obviously. I created this for myself. The constant turning in the other direction. The pushing aside of feelings, actual feelings that were being felt. It was easier.. at least it was then. Now.. i just don't know. I need to remind myself that it isn't always going to be the same. History doesn't always have to repeat itself. I'm working on it a little at a time. I am slowly breaking down some of those walls that I've had up as a defense. I have little glints of hope that reassure me that things will be okay. I'm starting to see more of my old self or maybe its my new self? Who knows. But either way, my attitude toward the concept is changing. With this change comes all kinds of new doubts and things to be afraid of but I can't run from myself forever.
...to another day down
It starts when we are tiny, chubby, and pink in the cheeks and continues through the years when we are full grown, smarter, and effected by the world around us. We start off believing in myths like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause (oh, the good old days) to debating concepts such as love and eternity. How is it that an individual can go from being happy and innocent to be pessimistic and full of doubt? Has anyone considered the thought that maybe it isn't our fault? Think back to the time when you believed in Santa Clause... fast forward to when you no longer believed. You realize that all this time you've been deceived, clearly back then it wasn't such a travesty but wait there is a bigger picture. Now, think back to the fairy tales you were told. The prince and the princess who live happily ever after. Fast forward one more time to the first heart break, the point when you finally conclude that fairy tales are simply make believe. What effect has this had? Well, lets think about it for a second. Starting at a very early age we have been taught that deception is everywhere. We have also subconsciously learned that concepts like these don't hold water. Apply all of this information to something more relevant. Love for instance. There are people everywhere who believe in the "one true love" idea. Why? Because it gives them hope, something to look forward to, something to get excited about/wait for. Why not? For one, the answer to 'why' could also be used to answer 'why do children believe in Santa Clause', go figure. But more importantly hasn't precedent showed us that belief in concepts and fairy tales ends up in disappointment and heart break. Then throw in all of the other influences from the surrounding environment, the divorce rate for instance, and we have just turned the happy innocent individual into a pessimist filled with doubt. No wonder people are afraid of concept of love. But how are you suppose to get past it? We've been taught to learn from our own experiences. So what do you do when your experiences have taught you to turn in the opposite direction?
Running away is the way that I've made it out alive. When will I know when to stop running? There is no finish line. So, then what am I running from... or to? Yes, it has worked before, but what do I have to be afraid of? Everything, obviously. I created this for myself. The constant turning in the other direction. The pushing aside of feelings, actual feelings that were being felt. It was easier.. at least it was then. Now.. i just don't know. I need to remind myself that it isn't always going to be the same. History doesn't always have to repeat itself. I'm working on it a little at a time. I am slowly breaking down some of those walls that I've had up as a defense. I have little glints of hope that reassure me that things will be okay. I'm starting to see more of my old self or maybe its my new self? Who knows. But either way, my attitude toward the concept is changing. With this change comes all kinds of new doubts and things to be afraid of but I can't run from myself forever.
...to another day down
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