roles?

So, I've been on the medicine for a week now. Its one of those things that is going to get worse before it gets better. Trust me, it's worse. I'm in pain all of the time. No matter which way I move my tummy hurts. This constant pain is just a big reminder in flashing lights "you will deal with this the rest of your life" I feel like i've been crippled. I have never let anything hold me back or stop me from doing anything. I'm embarrassed to say that since i've found all of this out i've turned down a few opportunities. A date for one... eh, i wasn't that excited about it but the reason i said i couldn't go was because of this awful pain. I turned down another trip to 6flags with my friends from middle school. I just hate thinking "oh, no. you can't do that... what if___" i have never been that person but i have to be now. I need to take care of myself. My eating habits, sleeping habits, and my drinking has to change if i want to live as normal a life as possible without flare ups. I will have to accept this and keep reminding myself, i'm not giving anything up really, just "everything in moderation" I just can not wait until this gets better.


So, after seeing all of my wonderful friends from school I am more excited than ever to go back...
there is only one draw back. Since I haven't been working this summer I've been spending all day with my grandmom. We were close before, and I have always considered her to be my best friend, but now we're even closer. In a way, this is exactly what we both needed. When everything started getting crazy we had each other to lean on. Something major I noticed is how the roles have shifted. At some point in the past 20 years my grandmother stopped taking care of me and I started taking care of her. Carrying the laundry basket for her, making lunch, checking to see if she had taken her medicine, even helping her set her hair. Its funny. I can close my eyes and i'm back in kindergarten again.... We are sitting at the kitchen table and I'm eating my lunch. Mom-mom is standing behind me pulling my hair into a tight braid. She periodically looks down and tells me to take my vitamin. Once the braid is tied off at the bottom she sits down and starts dealing the cards. We play a few hands and then I put on my jacket. Mommom carries my book bag to the bus stop because she thinks its too heavy for me, with a kiss on the cheek i'm climbing onto the bus and waving out the window. FLASH...  yep, i'm 20 and the roles are reversed. I have always had anxiety when it came to being apart from my grandmother, even when i was younger. When i first moved into school, I would wake up in the middle of the night and call home. I'd make my mom get out of bed and check on my grandmother, terrified something would have happened. Going back to school now, i'm even more scared than i was then. Knowing that i'm not there to take care of her anymore. I could not imagine my life if anything would happen to her. I honestly think I'd check myself into a mental institution. There would be no other way for me to handle it. ... hmm, that is a really disturbing thought, my bad. But seriously, we have become so much closer this summer that I am going to hate being away from her. I guess this is all a part of growing up.... BUT I DONNN WANNNAAA !!!! WAAAAH !! ( i guess the temper tantrum thing was cuter when i was a little kid.)



...to another day down.