Fourteen

I think I'm fooling everyone with my cheap smile and "yeah, i'm okay." ...then I close the door and I'm washed away by all of the things I've been hiding. By all of the emotions I've been pushing away. What the hell happened? Everything was going well. I had finally put my life back on track after being derailed a year ago and now what? I have to come full circle. I have to slip back into the darkness that once control every thought I had? THIS ISN"T FAIR. She is fourteen, god damn it! Fourteen years old. She hasn't even made it to high school. In one week she went from being an athlete, good student, loving daughter with an amazing personality to a fourteen year old girl, lying in a hospital bed under a chemically induced coma who is dying!! The cancer is... terminal. I still can barely wrap my brain around it. The cancer that they found on pure luck... is going to kill her. It is going to kill her unless we have some kind of miracle.

A miracle. If I hear one more god damn person telling me to pray for a miracle I sware to god I will snap and I will kill them. A miracle..... you really expect me to believe that there is actually someone up there? Even better yet, you really expect me to believe that there is actually someone up there who might actually be on my side. No!! I am so sick of believing, and hoping, and praying. What has it given me.... how far has it got me? My cousin is fourteen years old and dying of medulloblastoma, a tumor on her cerebellum. my grand mom is barely holding it together threatening to break at any given moment. my aunt rae is dying of pancreatic cancer, hospis is at her house right now... just waiting. And my father, who is finally getting back onto a normal schedule, might be switching to night work. Every time I turn around another piece is falling to the ground. I can't do this again. I'm being held together right now with some scotch tape from the last time I shattered to a thousand tiny pieces. Any day now, I'm going to crumble again. I'm just waiting... waiting for the next bad thing to happen, holding my breathe every time I hear the house phone ring, tossing and turning in my bed at night afraid to close my eyes. Although falling asleep means that I've made it through another day whole, waking up means there is another day ahead of me that I have to struggle through.


I can't do this again.





I really can't do this again.










to another day down...