Repetition

Take it slow. Breathe. Remind yourself what you've been through. Ugh. Two times, its only been two times and I'm back to square one. You would think by now I'd be smarter, I'd be wiser. I keep telling myself to keep my distance, remind myself to think before I trust. GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS STATE OF LIMBO. My head is spinning, my heart is racing, and I can't breathe. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Why do I do this, now would be a good time to get out. Get out before I get in too deep? Well, too late. It's exactly like it was 6 years ago. Nothing has changed... I'm still hoping that this time is going to be different. I remind myself that this is just a phase, that it will fade out eventually. What am I hoping for? I AM STUPID. No, I'm an optimist. That doesn't make this situation any better. Not any better at all. After the last conversation, ugh that ended well. SIKE. I ran out of there afraid, actually afraid of the look in those eyes. It was different this time. It was like old times, it was .... wonderful. And then of course reality set in, reminding me why I am where I am in the first place. I only came back to help. There is a problem, one that I will do my best to amend because even after it all I still care. A large part of me will always care too deeply. That is why this sick cycle will never be broken. Sooner or later I will always be needed and I will always be here. I am always here to pick up the pieces and put everything back on track. Then with out warning I'm off my track, trying to figure out how I got here again. Eventually, I'm left with the ghost of it all. The question is, who picks up the pieces? Seems to me that I am always the one doing the cleaning up. Still, there is always something that brings me back. Something that I can't let go of. I still believe that this is so much more. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Maybe its my desire to prove everyone wrong. Maybe I think this is the safe option because its predictable. Maybe this really has potential. Maybe I'm just afraid to shut off that part of my life. Maybe.... maybe.... maybe GOD DAMN IT !!!!! This can't be happening. I can't be doing this again. I can't have made it this far to turn around. I can't... I can't... I ... I... I... FUCK this is really happening!!! I'm really doing this all over again. I am stronger this time. I will hold my ground. I will stay in control. Because if I start to spiral there is no turning back. ... I would have walked right into predictable. ......I don't think I'd recover from this one.



A song that fits my mood:
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down


To another day down...