one more

Im not really sure what to say. I don't know if its because I have nothing to say or if its because I have to much that I'm avoiding. These past few weeks have been wonderful. I've been relaxing and taking some time to myself. I've been having a good time and hanging out with wonderful people, home friends and school friends.
Things at my house have been fairly calm except my sister screwing me up for a job because she wouldn't want to wait the 20 minutes to get picked up if she would happen to get out early.. hmm i wonder what if feels like to sit and wait around for a ride. SELFISH BITCH! although this may seem heart wrenching to some this is just a mundane pattern in my life. Kristina and I will never actually get along. We will never be best friends. We will never buy each other sister charms for our bracelets. Its not us. We are two different people. To be honest, if she wasn't my sister she would be a girl that I hated. I've come to terms and accept the fact that there may come a time when she is no longer a part of my life. its actually kind of heart breaking. Ive always wanted to have her as my best friend. she's never actually had the time for me. too wrapped up in everyone else to even notice me. for example, she asked my mom today if i would be adventuring to Maine to see a boy.... BAHAH !!! she had no idea the change of our status and Ive been home for over a month and yes, i have shed a few tears. anyway, i digress. at this current point in time we are not speaking nd she doesn't care. welp, moving on.

one more....my cousin is in the hospital. something with the brain. they thought it was one thing. then another. then another. its getting frustrating. I called one of my good friends in a panic just wanting to hear some kind of medical terminology to settle my mind. the worst part of this all is the effect its having on my grand mom. I'm a nervous wreck worrying about her as it is, now add this !! she's a mess, not eating much, barely sleeping, and she hardly talks to me. i dont know what to do. I'm scared shitless. she isnt very good at dealing with stress.

one more..... it is coming up on a year since my tommy boy passed away and its hitting me like a ton of bricks. for my reading III class, *which i successfully finished on Wednesday with an A, go me !!! * we had to write a memoir about a time our life had changed. i chose this, planning on telling his story. it at some point morphed into a story about how i had found out. surprisingly it was the first time i felt a piece of relief. it was nice having it all down on paper.... until it came time to read it in front of the class. luckily tara was there ready to swoop in if i needed help (i'll be posting the memoir next.)

one more ..... i am still in control which is a nice feeling. i still got this awful pit of jealousy in my stomach when i found out he had messaged my friend on facebook asking her to hang out. she had work... i ended up going to his house that night instead. i know that i have no rightful claim over him... and i know that i shouldn't care, i dont actually think that's where this emotion was coming from. i think its because in that moment i felt like i was being used. and i realize no matter how long this friendship goes on i will never be able to trust him. i know that i said i wasn't hoping, but despite my better judgement ... i was. i was hoping that maybe time would help heal the wounds he had left. hoping that time would earn him back the trust he fucked away. nope. negative. nd now... im just angry again. i was prepared for this roller coaster of emotions when i cautiously let him back into my life but i did not realize how bumpy the ride would be.


Happy thoughts now...
I saw good friends from school. good drinks. good dancing. good talks. yay to good times. just for future reference however... saying goodbye is NOT easier the second time, just sayin. all and all i had a blast. it was just what the doctor had order. nothing to exciting had been done after that, until today that is. i went to 6flags today (tickets 25 bucks, clutch !) with three good frieds from middle school. i had sooo much fun !! number 2 checked off of the bucket list. worlds tallest, fastest roller coaster, kingda ka!!! I have many things on the horizon... yay bonfiaaa. get to see all my loves from school. hopefully they will all get to make an appearance. beach trip the next day, i am in much need of some sun and sand. lots of things to do for the wedding, which has me sooo pumped, even if the dress is questionable HAH!  nd twilight next week !! oh man its good times, at least i hope.



but one more thing... the lonely isn't getting any better. the opposite actually. it's getting worse. im trying to shake it off but ... i miss him still, too much. =/