one more

Im not really sure what to say. I don't know if its because I have nothing to say or if its because I have to much that I'm avoiding. These past few weeks have been wonderful. I've been relaxing and taking some time to myself. I've been having a good time and hanging out with wonderful people, home friends and school friends.
Things at my house have been fairly calm except my sister screwing me up for a job because she wouldn't want to wait the 20 minutes to get picked up if she would happen to get out early.. hmm i wonder what if feels like to sit and wait around for a ride. SELFISH BITCH! although this may seem heart wrenching to some this is just a mundane pattern in my life. Kristina and I will never actually get along. We will never be best friends. We will never buy each other sister charms for our bracelets. Its not us. We are two different people. To be honest, if she wasn't my sister she would be a girl that I hated. I've come to terms and accept the fact that there may come a time when she is no longer a part of my life. its actually kind of heart breaking. Ive always wanted to have her as my best friend. she's never actually had the time for me. too wrapped up in everyone else to even notice me. for example, she asked my mom today if i would be adventuring to Maine to see a boy.... BAHAH !!! she had no idea the change of our status and Ive been home for over a month and yes, i have shed a few tears. anyway, i digress. at this current point in time we are not speaking nd she doesn't care. welp, moving on.

one more....my cousin is in the hospital. something with the brain. they thought it was one thing. then another. then another. its getting frustrating. I called one of my good friends in a panic just wanting to hear some kind of medical terminology to settle my mind. the worst part of this all is the effect its having on my grand mom. I'm a nervous wreck worrying about her as it is, now add this !! she's a mess, not eating much, barely sleeping, and she hardly talks to me. i dont know what to do. I'm scared shitless. she isnt very good at dealing with stress.

one more..... it is coming up on a year since my tommy boy passed away and its hitting me like a ton of bricks. for my reading III class, *which i successfully finished on Wednesday with an A, go me !!! * we had to write a memoir about a time our life had changed. i chose this, planning on telling his story. it at some point morphed into a story about how i had found out. surprisingly it was the first time i felt a piece of relief. it was nice having it all down on paper.... until it came time to read it in front of the class. luckily tara was there ready to swoop in if i needed help (i'll be posting the memoir next.)

one more ..... i am still in control which is a nice feeling. i still got this awful pit of jealousy in my stomach when i found out he had messaged my friend on facebook asking her to hang out. she had work... i ended up going to his house that night instead. i know that i have no rightful claim over him... and i know that i shouldn't care, i dont actually think that's where this emotion was coming from. i think its because in that moment i felt like i was being used. and i realize no matter how long this friendship goes on i will never be able to trust him. i know that i said i wasn't hoping, but despite my better judgement ... i was. i was hoping that maybe time would help heal the wounds he had left. hoping that time would earn him back the trust he fucked away. nope. negative. nd now... im just angry again. i was prepared for this roller coaster of emotions when i cautiously let him back into my life but i did not realize how bumpy the ride would be.


Happy thoughts now...
I saw good friends from school. good drinks. good dancing. good talks. yay to good times. just for future reference however... saying goodbye is NOT easier the second time, just sayin. all and all i had a blast. it was just what the doctor had order. nothing to exciting had been done after that, until today that is. i went to 6flags today (tickets 25 bucks, clutch !) with three good frieds from middle school. i had sooo much fun !! number 2 checked off of the bucket list. worlds tallest, fastest roller coaster, kingda ka!!! I have many things on the horizon... yay bonfiaaa. get to see all my loves from school. hopefully they will all get to make an appearance. beach trip the next day, i am in much need of some sun and sand. lots of things to do for the wedding, which has me sooo pumped, even if the dress is questionable HAH!  nd twilight next week !! oh man its good times, at least i hope.



but one more thing... the lonely isn't getting any better. the opposite actually. it's getting worse. im trying to shake it off but ... i miss him still, too much. =/

Teacups

My life is still spinning round and round making it nearly impossible for me to get my bearings. I feel like I just stepped out of the teacups at an amusement park, wobbly and not really sure which direction I'm facing. Its cool. I had a good friend give me some words of wisdom. "Magic Happens in the Summer" *exhale* I do not exactly know what to make of that but in light of some very new developments in my life I'm just gonna go with it. Its summer ... and I will enjoy it to its full potential.

Which, I have had trouble doing so far. I had the XTU concert this weekend and drank wayyy too much. I dropped my phone in a cup of liquor. Had to be carried to the car at the end of the night. Lost my wrislet (which was graciously mailed back to me - thank you Susquehanna bank center) nd i dont even remember montgomery gentry, which is was I had waited for the whole time !!! So to sum it up ...SUCCESS aha.

I have been handling this whole re-befriending thing very well. It got a little fuzzy but I set everything straight. I'm not sure who i was convincing.. him or me? All in all... I am in control and it feels comfortable here. We hang out and everything is very carefree and natural but every time he leaves I get this awful twinge in my stomach like I am doing something wrong. I know your suppose to trust your instincts but I feel like its just my self defense mechanism... I haven't decided whether or not to keep ignoring it or to trust it and run the opposite way. But like I said I'm just going to go with it and wait until I find a clear answer. I wont stress over it too much. I have to admit being able to write all of this down makes it a lot easier. Much has changed since that first and second entry about the situation, I have to remember to take it all into consideration... how i felt then.. how i feel now... and how this is going to effect me in the future no matter what path it takes. It is a lot to consider but I trust myself and the lessons I have learned. This is going to be a good thing one way or another.

Lots of happy things however. I met up with an old friend from middle school and we caught up. I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We walked all through this park in Haddon Heights ... it was GORGEOUS !! We came up to this part of the park that had an outdoor stage with stadium seating installed into the rocks. I was awestruck by it and it was very clear on my face. He pulled me up the stairs and twirled me all around. It was like something out of a movie. Normally, I shy away from those types of things. Tonight.. I enjoyed it. I see a change in me. There can only be one explanation for it... but it's in Maine :) Something just feels right. I'm not talking about this kid I hung out with or anything to do with my re-budding friendship with a previously poisonous person. Its something else. Something about me and who I have become.. it just feels right. I am finally enjoying the person I have become and not just simply excepting it. I still believe that there are many things in my life that I must adjust but I am in no hurry to do it anymore. If i have learned anything from the past 6 months its that things will happen in time. People will grow in time. People will heal in time. Things will change in time. So i will enjoy as much as I can as time passes and things happen, grow, heal, and change. I'll keep letting my head spin round and round like I have just gotten of the teacups. I'll just give time, some time.



...To another day down

I

I am drowning. I'm scared. I want what will never be. I know it is not good. I do not know how to stop. I let walls crumble when he's around. I have no more control. I'm scared. I let this happen. I can not turn back. I will make it out of this alive. I'm scared. I got too close. I let this happen. I don't think I can handle this. I'm scared. I want to stop. I don't know how. I'm scared. We are friends. I'm scared.

STOP !!!!

i over analyze everything god damn it. I need to stay in control which is amazingly difficult as all of these emotions are rushing around as if my levy just broke. I am too smart for my hearts own good. I will try to keep my distance and maintain what is left of my walls. I WILL stay in control and not repeat my reckless past, at least that's what I'm hoping for.





to another day down...

Repetition

Take it slow. Breathe. Remind yourself what you've been through. Ugh. Two times, its only been two times and I'm back to square one. You would think by now I'd be smarter, I'd be wiser. I keep telling myself to keep my distance, remind myself to think before I trust. GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS STATE OF LIMBO. My head is spinning, my heart is racing, and I can't breathe. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Why do I do this, now would be a good time to get out. Get out before I get in too deep? Well, too late. It's exactly like it was 6 years ago. Nothing has changed... I'm still hoping that this time is going to be different. I remind myself that this is just a phase, that it will fade out eventually. What am I hoping for? I AM STUPID. No, I'm an optimist. That doesn't make this situation any better. Not any better at all. After the last conversation, ugh that ended well. SIKE. I ran out of there afraid, actually afraid of the look in those eyes. It was different this time. It was like old times, it was .... wonderful. And then of course reality set in, reminding me why I am where I am in the first place. I only came back to help. There is a problem, one that I will do my best to amend because even after it all I still care. A large part of me will always care too deeply. That is why this sick cycle will never be broken. Sooner or later I will always be needed and I will always be here. I am always here to pick up the pieces and put everything back on track. Then with out warning I'm off my track, trying to figure out how I got here again. Eventually, I'm left with the ghost of it all. The question is, who picks up the pieces? Seems to me that I am always the one doing the cleaning up. Still, there is always something that brings me back. Something that I can't let go of. I still believe that this is so much more. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. Maybe its my desire to prove everyone wrong. Maybe I think this is the safe option because its predictable. Maybe this really has potential. Maybe I'm just afraid to shut off that part of my life. Maybe.... maybe.... maybe GOD DAMN IT !!!!! This can't be happening. I can't be doing this again. I can't have made it this far to turn around. I can't... I can't... I ... I... I... FUCK this is really happening!!! I'm really doing this all over again. I am stronger this time. I will hold my ground. I will stay in control. Because if I start to spiral there is no turning back. ... I would have walked right into predictable. ......I don't think I'd recover from this one.



A song that fits my mood:
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down


To another day down...