waiting....

Maybe I made it bigger then it was. Thinking too much into it has never been a strong point of mine. Its been three days and still nothing since that last tear. How much longer until the lonely sets in? The anticipation is worse then any sadness. I think my daydreams and imagination have the best of me. A return to the area has me hoping the biggest hope and imagining the impossible. Hmm... maybe that is the reason. I'm looking at this as open ended when the door has been closed. Silly girl. I mean its awfully difficult to accept a "closed door" when I'm one of the first to hear good news. How did something so simple become so complicated? Oh yes, because of STUPID FEELINGS !!! blech. The rational side of me knows that this is how it is going to be and knows that it really is the best. And then there is that little part of me, the part that actually wants to respond like a female and believe the stupid fairy tale, that wants sooo much more. Oh, what to do when there is conflicting interests... oh thats right pretend that everything is just fine. Thank goodness my family is much easier to fool than everyone else. I blend in around here better than the stains on the carpet. Lost in the shuffle of in and out, running here and there, planning bridal shower, and bitching about my sisters bad decisions. Even the one I can always count on to know there is something brewing beneath the surface seems distant. The smile she is faking is similar to my own and I'm afriad there is something wrong, but she will never burden me with it. We'll tip toe around smiling until one of us breaks and will have the heart to heart that I can only have with her. That's all I need. To spill my guts in the kitchen over a game of poker. Then maybe I'll be able to make sense of all this.