last time

I can't help get this quote out of my head, "The problem with the last time is that you never know its the last time until its too late" In the past 20 years of life my experiences have proven this to me. You do not know when the last time is going to be until you look back upon and remember the last moment that you took for granted. This could be the last time you saw a particular someone or the last time you spend with a group of friend having a good time. Now, this is a piece of reality that we have all been forced to accept at one point in time. So, what happens when the rules change? What do you do when you know when the last time will be? You know when you are laying in one's arms for the last time. How do you respond? How is one to kiss the last kiss? After all is said and done, is all really said and done? I've prepared myself for this. I took all of the necessary precautions and remained distant promising myself that "happy now" is all that mattered. I don't know if that was a blessing or a godsend. Yes, I allowed my mind to wander the many possibilities of what could be, but I always brought myself back to what was right in front of me.  Looking back i have no regrets. This experience has taught me more then I could have asked to learn. It helped me to put some of the pieces of my life back together and call ownership to new ones. I am not the same person I was when all of this began. Although I still have a while to go until I can claim I'm back to normal, especially since I still have no idea what wounds this particular experience will inflict, I am better. For the most part I have my sanity back, I have a grip on reality, and have managed to be happy. Happiness is what was the most shocking. This experience has given me great joy at a point when I thought I would never hold an honest smile on my face again. As it comes to an end, as I am experiencing these "last times" I wish now more than ever that things never had to change. That I could keep everything the same and hold onto these moments forever. This I know I can not do. Life must move on, things change, and people go. I tried to ask myself whether it was worth it at the end of it all..... I can't answer that yet. In time I will know if "happy now" is all that someone must strive for.

As if now I know two things

1- He was a reason, season, and a lifetime friend


2- I am going to miss him more than I ever thought imaginable.








A song that fits my mood :
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream









To another day down....