CHANGE

I am very aware that I am not one who accepts change very easily. But this is much worse then the transition out of high school into college. For the first time in my life, I was truly settled. I was strengthen friendships with the best group of friends who I could finally be myself around. Yay to real friends. No sooner did things come together when we were all split for the summer leaving me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.
My return home wasn't much easier either. This transition into living under my parents roof again is ... ugh dreadful! I still don't think it has completely sunk in that this isn't a week long spring break.. its 3 months! AHHH. And this summer I don't have the boyfriends house to escape to when it becomes to much. Being home has already opened my eyes up to a lot. A lot of things that have changed. With out the distraction of an excruciatingly time consuming relationship I have made time to see my friends who never really left my side. Up until now, I felt very alone every time I thought about home but this past week I realize I was never alone. I've heard many comments about how I haven't been around much and that when I was around it was always like my head was somewhere else. No wonder why no one ever had the time for me.. I was miserable. Now that I have my head back and there's an honest smile hanging on my face more pieces of my life are falling back together. I'm becoming me again.... I don't think of my self as broken anymore... I like it.
I was able to confidently arrange a meeting with the boy who managed to distort my image of men to an almost crippling level. Yes everyone advised me against this meeting. And prior to this meeting someone accused me of still having feelings for this boy. I realized, they were right. He was a big part of my life and I will always care about him differently than i care about anyone else. Yes, i may still have feeling for the boy i fell in love with when I was 14 years old. But, we're not 14 anymore. The boy I knew then is long gone, with little hope of resurfacing..... and I don't want to find him. ACCOMPLISHMENT =) We met, we talked, and I walked away undamaged. YAY ME!!!!
Then I went to my friend Marissa's parents 25th anniversary and spent time with 3 of my best friends in middle school. We haven't seen each other in years. After only a few moments of catching up we were laughing, joking, dancing, and strolling down memory lane like we had never missed a beat. It was easy to see that the bond we formed back then was a true friendship. It felt nice. Moved from there to a gathering with friends from high school... simply stated - I know why i hated high school. Bridal shower today was wonderful, minus my mother bashing my sisters boyfriend to her best friends... oh drama.

I'm currently watching Breakfast at Tiffany's, experiencing a knot in my stomach and longing for that late night viewing a few weeks back. Oh, how I love this movie regardless. I parallel much of my life with Holly Golightly. Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser

 "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness."




to another day down....

Blurb

a blurb blog... a little bit of everything

Well, babysitting today. I had a wonderful moment helping her with her homework. I was actually able to apply something I learned in my reading II class. IT FELT GOOOOOOD. I never considered any other serious careers, it was always just teaching. Recently I've been rethinking it, questioning my capabilities. After today, I can do this... I have a lot to learn. But I can do this. Phewwwwww.
I get to see vini, he is currently on his way to my house. I could not be happier to see my best friend, its been too long and we have much material to laugh about, I need a good laugh tonight.

Last night was lonely, I felt lonely and just couldn't shake the feeling. Nothing but the sound of the rain had me feeling hollower then I imagined and it came out of no where. I assembled my pillows to a familiar figure and cuddled. It did the trick but it was missing the faint heart beat, the deep sighs, and the unforgettable twitching (hah that part i didnt miss tooo much).

Greys anatomy will be on in 15 minutes or so, vincent francis and I will watch it. I'm looking at it as the calm before the storm of what my weekend is. Babysitting tomorrow alllll day, ticket run which im bringing the rugrat to, then Project Dance rehearsal. Saturday morning plans with domenica, saturday evening anniversary party, sat night a PARRRTYYY =), sunday a bridal shower, sunday night maybe i'll finally unpack. SIKEEE
well theres my laundry list oh fun.

interupted by the familiar rhythmic knock. oh how he always has such impecable timing, maybe he's brought some ice cream.





to another day down.

waiting....

Maybe I made it bigger then it was. Thinking too much into it has never been a strong point of mine. Its been three days and still nothing since that last tear. How much longer until the lonely sets in? The anticipation is worse then any sadness. I think my daydreams and imagination have the best of me. A return to the area has me hoping the biggest hope and imagining the impossible. Hmm... maybe that is the reason. I'm looking at this as open ended when the door has been closed. Silly girl. I mean its awfully difficult to accept a "closed door" when I'm one of the first to hear good news. How did something so simple become so complicated? Oh yes, because of STUPID FEELINGS !!! blech. The rational side of me knows that this is how it is going to be and knows that it really is the best. And then there is that little part of me, the part that actually wants to respond like a female and believe the stupid fairy tale, that wants sooo much more. Oh, what to do when there is conflicting interests... oh thats right pretend that everything is just fine. Thank goodness my family is much easier to fool than everyone else. I blend in around here better than the stains on the carpet. Lost in the shuffle of in and out, running here and there, planning bridal shower, and bitching about my sisters bad decisions. Even the one I can always count on to know there is something brewing beneath the surface seems distant. The smile she is faking is similar to my own and I'm afriad there is something wrong, but she will never burden me with it. We'll tip toe around smiling until one of us breaks and will have the heart to heart that I can only have with her. That's all I need. To spill my guts in the kitchen over a game of poker. Then maybe I'll be able to make sense of all this.

last time

I can't help get this quote out of my head, "The problem with the last time is that you never know its the last time until its too late" In the past 20 years of life my experiences have proven this to me. You do not know when the last time is going to be until you look back upon and remember the last moment that you took for granted. This could be the last time you saw a particular someone or the last time you spend with a group of friend having a good time. Now, this is a piece of reality that we have all been forced to accept at one point in time. So, what happens when the rules change? What do you do when you know when the last time will be? You know when you are laying in one's arms for the last time. How do you respond? How is one to kiss the last kiss? After all is said and done, is all really said and done? I've prepared myself for this. I took all of the necessary precautions and remained distant promising myself that "happy now" is all that mattered. I don't know if that was a blessing or a godsend. Yes, I allowed my mind to wander the many possibilities of what could be, but I always brought myself back to what was right in front of me.  Looking back i have no regrets. This experience has taught me more then I could have asked to learn. It helped me to put some of the pieces of my life back together and call ownership to new ones. I am not the same person I was when all of this began. Although I still have a while to go until I can claim I'm back to normal, especially since I still have no idea what wounds this particular experience will inflict, I am better. For the most part I have my sanity back, I have a grip on reality, and have managed to be happy. Happiness is what was the most shocking. This experience has given me great joy at a point when I thought I would never hold an honest smile on my face again. As it comes to an end, as I am experiencing these "last times" I wish now more than ever that things never had to change. That I could keep everything the same and hold onto these moments forever. This I know I can not do. Life must move on, things change, and people go. I tried to ask myself whether it was worth it at the end of it all..... I can't answer that yet. In time I will know if "happy now" is all that someone must strive for.

As if now I know two things

1- He was a reason, season, and a lifetime friend


2- I am going to miss him more than I ever thought imaginable.








A song that fits my mood :
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
You are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream









To another day down....